Telling someone why they should change often gets you the case for staying the same. Motivational Interviewing starts from the other end: help the person explore their own reasons. OARS are its four core skills. Here they are in plain terms, a five-step way to use them, and what the trials do and do not show.
By Jared7 min readLast updated October 2026Source: Self-Care, Ch. 9
The mechanism at a glance. Positions collide on the surface. Interests overlap underneath. The map is the second layer.
Rather than arguing against the part of you that does not want to change, it explores the gap between behavior and values and lets that gap do the work.
— The Self-Care You Were Never Taught, Ch. 9
SHORT ANSWER
OARS are the four core skills of Motivational Interviewing (MI): open questions, affirmations, reflective listening and summaries (Miller and Rollnick, 2013). MI is a client-centered, directive style that helps a person explore and resolve ambivalence about change, instead of arguing them into it (Hettema, Steele and Miller, 2005). A review of 72 clinical trials found an average short-term effect size of 0.77, falling to 0.30 at follow-ups of a year, with large differences between providers, populations, problems and settings. Journaling with the four skills, which the Self-Care book suggests for self-directed change, is an adaptation. No study cited on this page tests it.
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The problem
Someone you love says they are thinking of cutting back on drinking, or leaving the job, or finally resting. You say what a sensible person would say: here is why you should. They answer with every reason they cannot. By the end of it you are on the side of change and they are on the side of staying put, and neither of you chose your seat.
Wanting to change and not wanting to change at the same time is called ambivalence. It is the normal state of someone mid-decision. It is also the thing a lecture does not resolve.
The mechanism
Motivational Interviewing (MI) was built for exactly that moment. Hettema, Steele and Miller (2005) describe it as a client-centered, directive style that raises a person's readiness for change by helping them explore and resolve ambivalence, and that draws out the person's own motivations for change. It grew out of Carl Rogers's person-centered counseling. The Self-Care book puts the premise this way: people change when they discover their own reasons, and that holds when the person you are interviewing is yourself.
Miller and Rollnick (2013) teach four core skills, abbreviated OARS:
O: Open questions. A question that cannot be answered yes or no. "Why can't I stick to my routine?" invites self-blame. "What gets in the way when I try to care for myself?" invites an answer.
A: Affirmations. A specific acknowledgment of a strength, an effort or a value, tied to something that actually happened. Not "you're amazing." More like "you came back to it after a hard week."
R: Reflections. Saying back what you heard, sometimes adding a guess at the meaning underneath. "It sounds like rest feels dangerous because it means letting people down."
S: Summaries. Gathering what has come up so far into a few sentences, so the person hears their own reasons side by side.
WHAT THE RESEARCH SAYS
Average effect 0.77 at first, 0.30 by one year, and wide variation
Hettema, Steele and Miller (2005), Annual Review of Clinical Psychology: a meta-analysis of 72 clinical trials. Average short-term between-group effect size 0.77, falling to 0.30 at follow-ups of up to a year. Effects varied widely across providers, populations, target problems and settings. The authors call for work on how MI exerts its effects.
The operating system
STEP 01
Ask one open question, then stop
Start with something that cannot be answered yes or no: "What would be different if this changed?" "What gets in the way?" Ask it once and let the silence after it stand.
If your question starts with "Why don't you," it is advice wearing a question mark.
STEP 02
Let the answer run
Do not correct it, fix it or answer it. In a conversation, listen. On the page, free-write for three to five minutes without editing.
Both sides of the ambivalence are useful. Note them; do not pick one yet.
STEP 03
Reflect in one sentence
Say back what you heard, as a statement rather than a question, with a guess at what sits underneath: "It sounds like you are tired of being the one who holds it all together." If you are wrong, they will say so, and that is information too.
On the page: read what you wrote and answer it as a kind, curious listener would.
STEP 04
Affirm one specific thing
Name one strength, effort or value you actually saw. "You told your sister the truth even though it was hard" works. "You're so strong" does not, because it cannot be checked against anything.
If you cannot think of a specific one, ask another open question first.
STEP 05
Summarize, then ask what they want to do next
Pull the threads together in a few sentences: the reasons for, the reasons against, what stood out. Then ask what they make of it, and wait. The decision stays with them.
These are listening skills. Use them to find out where the person stands, not to build a case.
The printable: the four skills
Print it. Keep it near the phone you take hard calls on.
OARS
Four listening skills for someone who is torn.
O · OPEN QUESTION
"What gets in the way?" Not yes or no.
Ask once. Let the silence stand.
A · AFFIRMATION
One specific strength, effort or value you actually saw.
Specific enough to check.
R · REFLECTION
"It sounds like..." A statement, with a guess at what is underneath.
If you are wrong, you will hear it.
S · SUMMARY
Gather the reasons for and against. Then ask what they make of it.
The decision stays theirs.
THE HUMAN FREQUENCY · FIND COMMON GROUND
Go deeper
This page is the surface. Each layer below goes further.
Open questions, Affirmations, Reflective listening and Summaries. They are the four core skills of Motivational Interviewing as taught by Miller and Rollnick (2013).
What is Motivational Interviewing?
A client-centered, directive therapeutic style that aims to raise a person's readiness for change by helping them explore and resolve ambivalence. It grew out of Rogers's person-centered counseling and draws out the person's own reasons for changing (Hettema, Steele and Miller, 2005).
Does Motivational Interviewing work?
A meta-analysis of 72 clinical trials across a range of target problems found an average short-term between-group effect size of 0.77, falling to 0.30 at follow-ups of a year. Effects were larger with ethnic minority populations and when MI was not manual-guided, and they varied widely across providers, populations, problems and settings, which the authors say shows a need to understand how it works (Hettema, Steele and Miller, 2005).
Can I use OARS on myself?
The Self-Care book adapts the four skills into a journaling practice: write an open question, free-write an answer for three to five minutes, write a one-sentence reflection, then a short summary. That is an adaptation of a clinical method. The trials cited here studied MI as a clinical method, and no study cited here tests the journaling version. If the change you are torn about involves substance use, or your safety, bring in a clinician.
How is an MI affirmation different from a positive affirmation?
A positive affirmation is a general statement about yourself. An MI affirmation is a specific acknowledgment of a strength, effort or value, tied to something that actually happened. 'I am a beautiful warrior of light' is the first kind; 'I noticed I was dysregulated today and used cyclic sighing instead of overcommitting, and that took real awareness' is the second (The Self-Care You Were Never Taught, Ch. 9).
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Four listening skills for someone who is torn: open questions, affirmations, reflections, summaries.
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SOURCES & CITATIONS▾
This page draws on The Self-Care You Were Never Taught, Chapter 9, and on the sources below. The book also calls reflective listening the most powerful component of MI; this page does not repeat that, because no source here measures it.
Hettema, J., Steele, J. & Miller, W. R. (2005). Motivational interviewing. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology. Definition of MI; meta-analysis of 72 clinical trials. DOI
Miller, W. R. & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change (3rd ed.). Guilford Press. The source of the OARS skills. Publisher
Where we get our research:
We cite peer-reviewed work by its DOI, so each reference above opens the article itself.
Where a framework's owner published a book rather than a paper, we name the author, year
and publisher and link the publisher's page. The most common are the
Gottman Institute's research,
Stephen Porges's The Polyvagal Theory (Norton, 2011)
and his 2023 reply to its critics,
and Fisher and Ury's Getting to Yes (Penguin).
Where we have no peer-reviewed article, we name the framework's author and say so.
See our editorial policy for the full sourcing standard.